October 3, 2005: My happiness

So, I follow patterns in life. I always do, and I always have. My mum calls them mental pitfalls: situations where you react instictively, without further contemplation. You are programmed to act and react in a certain way in a particular situation. When it comes to love, I follow patterns too. I know it doesn't sound very romantic, but I have to be honest. For me love is all about the challenge, the thrills, the chase.

I suppose you are all acquainted with these things... This is the main reason to why I always fall for "bad boys", they are exciting, yet rewarding challenges. The idea that I could be the one who actually, finally manages to tame him and change him, is so tempting that I simply can't reject it. I am an achiever. Full stop.

Now, as you all probably know, I haven't really been successful. Not at all, in fact. I am 25 years old and still do nothing but run straight towards the wall of impossible love, crash into it, fall, cry, get angry, go on a diet to get irresistible, before getting up and trying the same thing all over again. I am 25 years old and unable to see that whatever I am doing isn't really working very well, and probably never will!

Now, after having recognized the issue, one crucial question remains: How do I break these habits? How can I avoid the mental pitfalls? Any ideas out there? As usual, I am thankful for any "tips" or experiences that you might want to share with me...

Until then, a "poem" by Nietzsche, from the book "The Gay (as in happy) Science":
Since I grew tired of the chase

And search, I learned to find;
And since the wind blows in my face,
I sail with every wind.

Kisses to you all!