Wednesday, November 18, 2009

February 6, 2007: What's my contribution?

Oh my, I feel stupid and worthless again. I have been reading about my former female classmates from back home. Like me, they just graduated; still, they have all already succeeded in life...managers, managers, managers. They are in all corners of the world and work hard. And here I am. What am I doing? And why wasn't I able to pursue a good, well-respected thesis and become a manager? These girls are amazing! They are beautiful, have multiple degrees, received awards and scholarships. What did I do? I don't know.

I suppose it is all about finding your own way through life. The problem is that I have always been comparing myself to other people and I just can't stop. I know that I will feel incredibly bad if our children turn out to be less smart or successful than other peoples' kids, or if my friends have nicer cars or a bigger houses than we. I wish I was more self-confident, but frankly, I am not.

I know I have a great life... I am at MIT (How did I even get here?). Still, the little Paulina within me just needs attention and validation. She wants her former teachers to say: "Paulina, please don't leave us. We need you. Teach us everything you know!" She wants to receive diplomas and money from the university director, saying: "We are pleased to announce that the winner of our annual $5000000 award for best academic performance goes to Paulina Modlitba." She wants to be interviewed in the newspapers and on TV. She even wants to attend the Academy Awards and make sausages with the Royal family!

But all big Paulina does is fiddle around with animatronic monkeys and plan her wedding.

How cool is that?

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