Tuesday, February 16, 2010

July 20, 2005: Shame, shame, shame

I am completely out of shape when it comes to writing here. I am quite empty inside...and tired. I have so many things to worry about. Forms to fill in, fees to pay, appointments to book. It sure isn't easy to go to the United States of Love, and I assume that it isn't supposed to be easy. As usual I do everything in the wrong order; I postpone the most urgent tasks. Yesterday, when I wanted to book an appointment for the VISA interview at the American Embassy I found out that there are no available times until August 31! I am supposed to leave on August 30! Now, the thing is that a message on the American Embassy webpage says that the typical wait time for exchange students is 7 days! I called the Embassy and was told to send a fax and demand an appointment earlier in August. There are usually cancellations... I pray that this will work out some how.

Yesterday I had lunch with a guy called Magnus who carried out his Master of Science thesis at MIT last year. He lived in the place where I am going to stay...with the "Pikans". If you're curious, please visit their webpage: http://pika.mit.edu/. Quite interesting, isn't it? A student collective of about 30 persons. Phew!

Now, over to more seriuos things. I am currently thinking about feeling "shame". The reason why I want to talk about this is that I always feel ashamed and guilty about my feelings and thoughts. I have had quite a tough time at home in my apartment lately, because me and Daniel (my flat mate) don't manage to "get along". We are too much alike, I think; especially when it comes to our "bad" qualities. We both take everything (especially studies) faaaaaar to seriously and keep away when the pressure is difficult to handle. So, for some weeks now we have barely talked to each other. Additionally, we are both so bad at talking about our problems. We just try to ignore them. I must admit, that it is mostly my fault. I pull away and hang out with everyone apart from Daniel. I feel so bad about this...about thinking that I don't want to be in the same apartment as him because it gives me a stomach ache. We started talking via emails some days ago (sounds pretty silly, huh?) and he told me that he feels the same: He prefers not having me around, because the feeling of being in the same apartment without talking is absolutely unbearable. I don't blame him. Well, Daniel also told me that he felt bad about having these "bad" thoughts. I ended up telling him that he shouldn't feel bad. I understand him, and as I told you all before, feeling ashamed and trying to deny "bad" feeling usually only make them more destructive and unbearable. It is better to acknowledge these feelings, without judging. People often tell me that I judge myself to hard. I think they are right. So, now I try to be more kind to myself and accept the fact that I have "bad" qualities and do stupid things sometimes. It is isn't easy.

Well, well, anyway. Things seem to be better between me and Daniel now. I am really happy about the fact that we were actually able to talk about our issues and I feel relieved! I have worried so much about these things lately; about the fact that I seem to have problems when it comes to having a close relationship with somebody. I judge everyone else just as hard as I judge myself. I think there is a connection there, but I don't really see what it is and don't see an obvious solution to my issues. Tell me, if you do.

Enough for now!

Love ya more than you can imagine!

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